


Eien no wana to shittemo (I know it's an eternal trap)

by vogue91



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, M/M, Trains, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-28
Updated: 2018-05-28
Packaged: 2019-05-14 19:29:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14775824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: Yamada wished he could’ve stopped thinking.He really, really wished it.But it was too late to do it, he had made his choice, and now he was going to pay the consequences. Somehow.





	Eien no wana to shittemo (I know it's an eternal trap)

Yamada wished he could’ve stopped thinking.

He really, really wished it.

But it was too late to do it, he had made his choice, and now he was going to pay the consequences. Somehow.

The train was going too fast, in his opinion.

He almost felt sick, but he was sure speed was only partly the reason for that.

When that morning he had decided to go to the station, he had been sure it was the right thing to do.

Now he felt incredibly stupid.

He had left a couple of hours before, and now there was a little over one left before he would've finally arrived.

All of a sudden, he didn’t want to anymore.

That free day had been his curse.

He had gotten up too early, with the same thought hammering at him.

Last night, Chinen had called him.

Yamada hadn't been able to read the tone of his voice.

He had sounded... annoyed. Sad, maybe.

Yuri had told him that Yuya had been at his place, that night. And that the elder had told him he loved him.

And Chinen had said nothing, confused.

When he had told him, Ryosuke wished he could’ve laughed.

Yuri had refused him, because he didn’t feel anything for Yuya, and Yamada knew that.

Still, it hurt.

When they had hanged up, he had felt as if he didn’t have enough air to breathe.

Because he knew it, and he wondered how Chinen had ignored it for all this time.

He had seen Yuya change, he had seen him grow more aware of the younger’s presence next to him.

He had seen him fall in love slowly, and had kept watching until now.

And still, he had kept hoping he was wrong.

There was nothing to hope for now.

He knew Yuya had left for Osaka that morning, and he could imagine how he was feeling. He could feel empathy for that pain.

He could imagine him, on that very same train, with the same sadness he was feeling now.

He closed his eyes, and he almost felt like he could see him.

He wished he could’ve touched him. Hug him, tell him he understood, being allowed to dry his tears, to cure his pain.

But he didn’t have the right to.

And he didn’t have the right to be on that train either, nor to go to him, nor to do anything at all.

He hadn't been able to help it, though.

He had thought about it, too much, and the only thing he had come up with was that he wanted to see Yuya, and that he wasn’t going to wait the whole week-end to do so.

Now, at that impossible speed, the idiocy of his gesture had suddenly hit him.

 _Everything_ was too fast.

Too much for him to go back.

He could only move forward.

 

~

 

When Yuya saw him, he didn’t mask the surprise.

He wasn’t expecting to see Yamada, not there not at that moment, and the younger was sure he didn’t even particularly feel like seeing him.

But he acted nonchalant, as he had become so used to do.

“Hi, Yuuyan!” he said with a smile, which was reciprocated after a moment.

“Yama-chan.” the elder moved from the door to let him in. “What are you doing here?” he asked then, looking at him while he took off his shoes and they went to the living room.

“Are you alone?” Ryosuke asked, avoiding the question.

The other nodded, biting on his lip.

“Yes. My parents are at some friends’ house with my brother.” he explained, shrugging. “Do you want something to drink?” he asked right then, and without waiting for an answer he headed toward the kitchen. “I’ve just made coffee, I’ll bring you some.” he said, and it seemed to Yamada that he was escaping.

He had seen the shadows under his eyes.

He had seen those very same eyes reddened.

He had seen the sadness on his face, and he was sure they must’ve looked the same right now.

He followed him, because after all he had had to do to be here he didn’t want to lose sight of him. His presence soothed him, managing to keep in check even the worst thoughts.

And he wished it could’ve been true for Yuya too, but he knew he couldn’t expect that much.

“How’s it going, Yuuyan?” he asked, suddenly behind him, and the elder jumped.

“Oh... it’s fine. Yes. Everything’s fine.” he murmured, pouring the coffee into two mugs and handing one of them to him. “What about you? Will you tell me why you took a three hours train to come here?” he asked, arching an eyebrow, and Yamada realized that there was no room for pleasantries anymore.

He put his mug down on the counter and did the same with the elder’s, then he pushed himself against him.

He stared in his eyes for a moment only, then he tiptoed and pressed their lips together.

It lasted only a few seconds, then Takaki put a firm hand on his shoulder and pushed him away, sending him against the table behind him.

Yamada didn’t bother feeling disappointed; it was predictable, after all.

“What the hell are you doing, Ryosuke?” the elder hissed, brushing a hand over his mouth. His look was a mix of confusion and a vague despise, but the younger wasn’t bothered by that either.

He knew the risk, very well.

“I know what’s happened, Yuya. I know what you’ve told Chinen, I... I know how you feel.” he said, getting close again, cautious.

Yuya looked disdainful, and arched an eyebrow.

“What could you possibly know? I...” he paused, sighing. “It’s none of your business, Yamada. And I’d like to know why in the world you came here.” he asked, and now the younger was hurt by the cold and distant voice Yuya had used.

But it was all taken into account, he knew how this was going to go.

He couldn’t afford to feel bad about it, because it was his choice.

“I know it. I know how you feel thinking that Yuri doesn’t love you, I know how much it hurts, I know what it means to look from afar someone you love, without being able to help it, because you know that nothing’s ever going to happen between the two of you.” he smiled, sarcastic. Sad. He reduced the distance between them. “I know how you feel, Yuya, because it’s the same way I feel.” he murmured, clenching his fists until his knuckles turned white, and kept telling himself he wasn’t going to cry.

Saying those words hurt more than thinking them.

Yuya’s look became less hard when he heard that, and Yamada knew he had understood; but it didn’t change much for him to understand, because there was nothing he could hope for.

He wasn’t there because he wanted something he couldn’t have.

He was there to give them both a consolation price.

“I’m sorry, Ryosuke, I... what would you have me do?” the elder murmured, showing a certain discomfort for having him so close.

Yamada smiled slightly, resting a hand on his hip and bringing his mouth to his ear.

“Fuck me, Yuuyan.” he murmured, trying to sound as lewd as possible.

He felt him froze under his hand and move away as much as he could.

“What...” he said, his voice broken, then the younger brought a hand to his crotch, touching him firmly.

“I know you don’t feel anything for me. I know that you don’t love me, and I don’t care. I’m not asking for any commitment, I’m asking you to have sex with me.” he explained, practical. “Pretend I'm him.” he added then, while his voice lost any lewdness and became melancholic, showing for a split second all the pain he felt.

Yuya bit his lip.

He didn’t speak, at first. And he didn’t pull away from the younger’s touch, Yamada caressing him harder, while he felt his cock starting to stir under his hand.

“It’s... it’s not fair for either of us, Ryosuke.” he whispered, closing his eyes.

But there was no resolve in his words, and Yamada knew that.

He took a deep breath, without stopping to touch him; he didn’t add anything else, and he waited for Takaki to do something.

And he did, a few moments later.

He opened his eyes, grabbing his wrist and dragging him to his bedroom.

Yamada looked around, aware that this was going to be the last chance he was going to have to see the room.

Yuya closed the shutters and Ryosuke turned the light on, save being scolded for that right after.

“No.” Takaki murmured, biting on his lower lip. “Off.” he demanded, and Yamada sighed before obeying.

Of course he wanted the lights off.

Of course he didn’t want to see him.

Of course, because he had told him to pretend it was Chinen.

He compelled himself once again to lower his expectations, before getting close to him.

He felt him push him back against the mattress, Yuya lying on top of him, in that bed too small where they didn’t have many options.

The elder quickly freed him from his clothes, and Yamada did the same; he started caressing every bit of skin he could find, while Yuya’ mouth started moving from his neck to his collarbone and then on his chest and lower.

When he felt his mouth close to his cock he had to appeal all his strength to stop him.

Without saying a word he pushed on his shoulder, sitting up and pushing him down, switching their positions.

He didn’t waste any time; he clawed his hips while he moved between his legs and started tonguing his cock, slowly, savouring every centimetre of it.

When he finally took him all down he relished Yuya’s chocked moan in his ears.

He wanted to hear him. He wanted to hear him scream, he wanted to hear his pleasure, and it didn’t matter what the elder was thinking about now, he knew who he was with and what he was doing.

He didn’t give him any rest, his tongue and his mouth moving on him, while his hands kept brushing the sensitive skin of his hips, his legs.

He wished he would've seen his face, his sweaty forehead, his eyes closed and the tormented expression on him, but he wasn’t allowed that.

He imagined as well, because it was all they could afford right now.

“Yuri...” he heard him mumble, and his heart clenched.

He wanted to scream, but he didn’t. After all, he had asked for that.

He let go of his cock abruptly, and the elder barely fought that; he sat up, instead, and a moment later Yamada was lying back on the bed, his back turned to face Yuya.

He closed his eyes while the elder quickly slipped his fingers into his mouth, wasting no time then and bringing them to his opening.

He clenched his teeth when he felt them push inside, one by one.

With ease, with caution, because right now he was Chinen Yuri, and there was no way Yuya would've ever hurt Chinen.

Perhaps it was then that his decision started to look like the wrong one.

And it kept looking like that while the other made room for himself between his legs; while he pushed inside of him, pressing his forehead against his nape and holding tight to his shoulder.

Again, Ryosuke wished he could’ve seen him, but he wouldn’t dare to turn around.

He kept his face pressed against the pillow while Yuya started moving inside of him, at a pace that let on his urge, his want, the fear that all that was only in his mind could disappear at any moment.

Ryosuke had dreamt too many times to have sex with him.

He had pictured him hugging him, touching him, looking him straight in the eyes while he got inside of him, while he made him feel desired, loved.

He wouldn’t have wanted any of this, but resignation was still weaker than pain.

In no scenery he had imagined it had ever happened for him to feel like this.

When he had decided to go to Osaka, when he had decided to give himself to Yuya as Chinen and not himself, he had thought they both could get something out of it.

He had thought that Takaki would've been glad about his little illusion of finally having Yuri, and that he himself would've settled for his body, for his hands on him, having him inside and pretending he wanted to do just that.

Now, instead, he realized he had severely miscalculated.

He felt disgusting. Much like an object, something that was going to be thrown away as soon as Yuya would've reached his goal.

he felt like crying, but his sobs would've just stopped sooner that squalid, revolting show.

He felt Yuya push inside of him harder, faster, while his hand moved between him and the mattress and started stroking him at the same pace.

The elder brought his mouth to his ear, and he could hear him say that name even clearer.

_Yuri, Yuri, Yuri, Yuri._

“Yuri... I love you.” was the last thing Ryosuke heard before climaxing, letting go against the mattress and letting himself be used for a while longer, before Yuya came inside of him.

The seconds of silence following that were atrocious.

It was over, for both of them.

“I love you too, Yuuyan.” he whispered, and he wasn’t sure the elder had heard.

He felt him pull out of him, get up and dressed.

“You can shower, if you want.” he murmured, then he left the room.

Yamada stayed there a little while longer, in the darkness.

The weight of humiliation won over everything he might’ve felt right now.

He had gotten what he wanted, and he was far from being satisfied.

Yuya, after all, had been right in wanting to turn off the lights.

Right now, he didn’t want to look at himself either.

 

~

 

The journey back was even worse.

It was sunset, and he saw the dark rays of sun disappearing behind a few scarce plants.

It was all he saw, at that speed. He didn’t have time to catch the details of that light, just like he had no clear perception of what had happened those past few hours.

He just knew that he wanted to disappear as well, just like the sun.

But he couldn’t, and he knew that.

He had washed up and left, he hadn't even said goodbye to the elder, in the last desperate attempt at saving the illusion.

Yuya’s illusion of finally having had Chinen, and his new illusion that he had never been inside that house.

But he couldn’t lie to himself, not when he still felt the warmth of the other’s body on himself, unable to do anything to make it go away.

He felt filthy, useless, empty.

During the following days, he was going to go to work and face Yuya, as if nothing had ever happened.

And actually nothing had, because Takaki had had sex with Chinen that day, not with him.

Yamada had never felt so disgusted by himself.


End file.
